Coming Out for the Holidays: A Transgender Winter Solstice

My mind thrives on making connections.

Finding symbolism in everyday life is a sure-fire way to turn life not-so-everyday. I am Pagan for precisely this reason. I am not Pagan as a political statement or in rebellion against other religions. I am Pagan because we find symbols of humanity and our struggles in the Earth and her movements.

Cyclicity — viewing events as a cycle instead of linear — is a primary symbol of Pagan thought. Cycles are found everywhere: the Earth’s seasons, human civilizations, human history, the stock market, each human life, etc. As we near the Winter Solstice in 2022, the cycle of the last year stands out.

Winter Solstice

The symbolism of Winter Solstice derives from the relationship between day and night. In the Northern Hemisphere, the period of day is short; the period of night is long. Winter Solstice is the longest night of the year, when humans despair whether the cold will end, whether they will live in light again. On Winter Solstice night, the practice is to acknowledge that the Sun is at its nadir and to pray for its rebirth in a new cycle for the coming year.

Winter Solstice is bittersweet. Although the night is long and cold, it represents the birth of the Sun, whose promise is to bring life and plenty in conjunction with the Earth. The Sun will ultimately be sacrificed during the harvest to bring sustenance to humanity, then reborn as the cycle begins again on the following Winter Solstice. (If this story sounds vaguely familiar during the holidays, I recommend reading Joseph Campbell, who discovered variations on this theme in every human civilization he studied, including modern religious myths.)

This cycle — the Sun being born, bringing plenty, being sacrificed, and born again — is represented by the Pagan Wheel of the Year.

The Wheel of the Dingbat

This holiday season, I realize the cycle my life has turned. My own Wheel of the Year coincided eerily with the Earth’s seasons.

In 2021, I worked for a startup company that struggled to find its relevance. My typical work week was 70–80 hours at my desk, trying to keep the ship together and afloat. My mental health did not survive that pressure. I had a breakdown by November, and — on Winter Solstice 2021 — I suffered another breakdown. My wife took me to the emergency room for admission to the psychiatric ward.

I have been in a psychiatric ward several times in my life, but I worked hard to pull myself together since 2012. This was the first trip to the hospital in nine years. I was devastated. The illusion of mental health that I had built as my guiding light was at its nadir.

When I returned home, my wife recommended that I address the final aspect of mental health I had to address: my gender identity. A small spark kindled inside. I had purposely pushed my gender identity aside when my son was born. I was hesitant to open that side of myself again. The night was long.

February — Imbolc

In the Wheel of the Year, the first holiday after Winter Solstice is at the beginning of February: Imbolc, which represents the promise of Spring. The word is cognate with the Gaelic word for “milk,” a symbol of lambs being born and receiving milk from their mother. Flowers begin to sprout; the Winter is ending.

By February, I found a therapist to work with, who helped me see destructive patterns in my behavior. She encouraged me to investigate my inner feminine, to begin to care for myself and see myself as somebody deserving of care and love. A small purple flower began growing through the snow of my mind.

March — Spring Equinox

In March, the Spring Equinox represents the Earth truly returning to life. This is a time to plan for the future, to begin preparing fields to be sown with seeds that will grow into the harvest. Livestock mate and the work of the year begins.

In my search for myself, I began to accept that the feminine energy I had felt and known my entire life could be expressed without shame. Who I am is not subject to other people’s opinion. I finally left the job that was killing me. For the first time in 20 years, I bought a dress.

May — Beltane

Beltane is a joyous time of the Wheel. By the beginning of May, crops are planted and sprouting, the Earth is fertile, and new life is everywhere. It is time to celebrate the Sun’s promise. Beltane is a celebration of fertility — the ability to live and love in health.

By May, my femininity would not be denied. When Spring is in full bloom, it is difficult to shove it back in the closet, as it were. My wife helped me explore my feminine side with clothing. We loved each other for the first time in our 22 years as the woman I knew I was. I began to integrate my feminine and masculine sides.

June — Summer Solstice

June brings the Summer Solstice — the peak of the Wheel, when crops are thriving, the days are long, and life seems it will never end. We have grown accustomed to plenty; fruit is everywhere, and we relax into Summer afternoons with our loved ones.

As the Sun reached its zenith, I accepted myself completely. It was time to transition gender. With my wife’s support and blessing, I found a clinic to help me begin medical transition. On July 7, 2022, I applied my first estradiol patch, and realized my true name: Amethysta.

August — Lughnasadh

Lughnasadh (LOO-nuh-suh) is the Wheel’s festival of plenty, at the beginning of August. The crops have grown and are ready for harvest. The hard work of creating changes to the hard work of collecting the reward, and the work is relished. The Sun and Earth have truly provided.

The Sun of my Wheel reached its peak when I applied my first patch. The time had come to introduce the rest of the world to my authentic self. On August 26, 2022, I came out to my friends and family. The outpouring of support overwhelmed me; the hiding was over.

September — Autumnal Equinox

In September, the Autumnal Equinox is time to begin preparing for Winter. The crops are harvested and weaker livestock is slaughtered for food during cold months. Grain is dried, vegetables are canned, and life becomes equal parts work and relaxation. The hard work of the Wheel is complete; the Sun’s promise fulfilled.

As I experienced cognitive changes from hormone therapy, it became clear that the promise of my new life was ready to be fulfilled. I began to withdraw from software development as my thought and purpose became clear. I began writing — first for myself, then on October 07, 2022, I published my first article on Medium as Amethysta.

October — Samhain

The Wheel of the Year ends with Samhain, the end of October and beginning of November. At Samhain, we remember our ancestors, those who came before, and the work we have done during the previous year. It is a time of reflection.

On November 01, 2022, I began writing full-time. My legal name change was granted. He who came before — Robert — was celebrated, remembered…and allowed to depart.

December — Winter Solstice

Winter Solstice 2022 will be, as usual, bittersweet. The promise of the year has blossomed, grown, and been harvested. This Winter Solstice, Robert will be blessed and sacrificed in ritual. Amethysta is born. She stands ready — I stand ready — to take Robert’s place in 2023. The cycle is complete.

Blessing of the Season

What changes the past year has brought! As I celebrate the close of 2022, I wish a blessing upon you and yours this holiday season, however you celebrate it!