I'm Sorry Mother… Transgender Regret

I’m so sorry that I am hurting you now, all these years after you passed. I have tried so hard to be the son you taught me to be. I have embraced the man you groomed me to be. It was not hollow, but it wasn’t true. 

Being a man brought me many joys. Still, I could not fully touch, experience, love, or remember any. Each remaining memory is focused on those rare moments, when (despite being a loving father, successful business man, and devoted husband) I felt at least remotely like a woman. 

I still remember the lessons you reinforced in me day by day. You groomed me to suppress those feelings, those outward behaviors that gave away my inner self. Even so, their presence has plagued me all my life. People always sensed something was off. I had no depth as a man. I had few connections or close friends. I was angry and alone in my head, surrounded by love.

I hurt those whom I love, and I hurt those who love me so much! I could tell they knew something was off; still they wanted me to be better. Yet they were helpless. They wanted me to get better, but they had no idea how I could. They couldn’t imagine what I needed. You were that successful in your care for me, to protect me.

My pain did not help my children. They are wonderful and amazing adults today. But they did that despite my pain. I’d share more, but their stories are not mine to tell. But I fear that any difficulties or phobias they inherit, are from my struggle and not understanding the love for them that drove and still drives me.

I will say that my times of reclusiveness did not help my children. They have adapted socially and have many friends. But this success is not from my example. They did not learn from how to form friendships and close bonds from my guidance, for I had none to give. The pain of failing you, Mother, is overwhelming, bu the pain of realizing that I could have, should have, been so much more for them is indescribable. 

My saving grace is is I am finally here today! I am a biological man who is now living as and seen as a woman. Never believe that I don’t know my origin. I and my siblings understand our pasts and origins so much more than you, cisgender privileged adult. We have explored it and examined every nuanced detail more than you can imagine! After all, why should you bother cis-blessed sibling?

Of course your life hasn’t been easy. But let me ask you, has your very essence been denied since birth? Have you faced ridicule and continuous coaching not to be who you are? If you are LBG_QIA, then yes, I believe you. If not, I won’t deny, but tell me how? If you share my, no, our pain, then how can you still deny my existence?

I’m not perfect. My life isn’t perfect. But as a woman, I am happier and more comfortable in all situations. I only regret a few things.

1. I can never reveal my true self to my Mother and others that I love whom have left this plane so many years ago. I can never hug them. I can’t share with them my true self. They can never openly know me.
2. I didn’t speak out before. I never made a shadow of a difference for my siblings before today. I stayed in the closet, in cossetted misery. My LGBTQIA+ siblings struggled on despite my apathy.
3. I can never experience the life I might have had accepted as the girl and woman I am as a child. Some want to “protect” children, but what about other children like me? Why must we suffer you policies of exclusion and hatred. Why must we feel your disdain and disregard, adult to child? What are you afraid of? 

I’m sorry Mother, because you can never know who I finally really am. I wish you could know today that I love you! I am and will be thinking of you this Mother’s day. 💕

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️