Self-Love Is Easier than I Thought

My good friend Morgan Whitten responded to a photograph I posted to social media recently. She called me beautiful, and I had to stifle the desire to correct her. Instead, I thanked Morgan and told her I could use compliments like hers due to my lack of self-confidence.

Then Morgan corrected me. I must have self-confidence, she claimed - all I had to do was observe my life to see it. I write about my transgender journey - even the difficult parts. I wear the clothes that feel right to me - even before I felt comfortable wearing them. I post photographs of myself to social media - even when I don't believe I am beautiful. All of the above takes self-confidence.

I shrugged Morgan's admonition off. My self-confidence is only an act, I scoffed. I force myself to do what she observes. I don't choose to. My transgender life is aversion therapy, nothing more.

But Morgan made a fascinating observation. She asked me to consider how much confidence it must take to be who I am and to do what I do. Self-confidence comes not from being fearless, but in overcoming the limitations fear puts on us. We don't feel self-confident in order to act. We act and display self-confidence.

That stopped me. I told her I would process her observation. This article is the result.

Childhood labels

When Morgan claimed self-confidence is in our actions, I wondered how I had developed my perception of self-confidence. Had I been trained to believe I am not self-confident, much as I was trained to believe abusive relationships are loving?

A consistent theme in my life has been low self-confidence and low self-love - much of my body of writing centers around the theme. But do only I perceive their lack? Are my perceptions inaccurate?

When our son was young, my wife and I read a book in which the authors advised against labeling children for their behavior. Even applying positive labels to children - such as "intelligent," "motivated," or "beautiful" - forces an interpretation of their behavior that children must develop on their own.

Have I consistently misinterpreted my behavior because somebody long ago - perhaps my parents - told me I had low self-confidence?

When I moved to Georgia for graduate school, when I agreed to lead a software development team as my first job, as I worked with tools in fields I never had before - how did I succeed? In the past year, when I quit a job that paid well to write and to support my community, when I transitioned gender and risked losing family and friends, when I risked discrimination and being ostracized from society - what drove me?

I have confronted deep psychological fears and prejudices - in myself and in helping others. I have worked on creative efforts with no expectations. I achieved many goals in my life...but how?

Living is self-confidence

I believe Morgan is correct: self-confidence is not the act of believing I have self-confidence. Self-confidence isn't facing all situations with no fear. Self-confidence isn't doing everything I ever wanted to do and laughing at society as I do it.

In the end, self-confidence is only staring down the fear of wanting to do something difficult, then doing what is necessary to get it done. Self-confidence is moving in the direction we choose.

But moving in a direction doesn't mean knowing the destination in detail. The act of moving doesn't mean knowing we are capable of reaching the destination with our current map and compass.

Self-confidence means being fearful, not expecting perfect results, not knowing if it can be done, but trying and seeing what results. Self-confidence isn't a magical formula. It is only living your life.

What hath transition wrought?

The biggest change brought about by gender transition has been the ability to laugh at myself. When I was a man, I could not stand the thought of failure. I would do whatever I could not to fail.

While I viewed it then as a fear of failure, a more accurate view is fear of other people believing I was a failure. Failing in private hurt, but it hurt much less than anybody observing me fail.

Gender transition has not conquered my fear of failure. I don't know that I will succeed at everything I do. But I accept I may look like a fool...and that's totally all right.

Maybe I don't know a fact - fine. Perhaps I mess something up - darn. Could be I am not very good at some skill I never practiced - guess it's time to practice. But my fear isn't paralyzing any longer.

I still have a strong perfectionist streak in me. I still want things just the way I want them, and I don't like it when they are not. But now I am willing to try. Now I am willing to look like a fool for being wrong. More to the point, now I can laugh at myself.

The difference I see between my life before transition and my life today is striking. As a man, I focused on satisfying other people's definitions of success. I wanted - no, needed - other people's approval. But today, I focus on my definition of success.

Maybe other people won't approve of what I do. Maybe what I do will not be done perfectly. And maybe I don't give a rat's ass about perfect anything as long as I approve.

How liberating! To act for my benefit, even if it goes nowhere? To enjoy the silly stuff I do? I have now gone as far as to put myself into situations where I know I will look foolish, and I like it.

No. I don't like it. I love it. I make people laugh. I make myself laugh.

Loving yourself is like loving the foolish

Yes. Morgan is right. What I do exemplifies self-confidence. I do what I do because I need to do it. Or rather...I do what I do because I need to do it.

I was labeled long ago as a shy kid who was just too sensitive to live in a world as difficult as this one. I allowed that to be my narrative for more than 40 years.

But I do not accept that narrative any longer. I agree now: living my life the way I choose is an example of self-confidence. I declare now: the world will not break me.

I asked myself many times over the course of my life: how am I to develop self-confidence? How am I to learn self-love? Over and over, I wished only to be comfortable as who I am. The goal was nebulous and the process inscrutable.

How do I measure the results of my inner work? Assuming I can learn to love myself, can I check on my progress? When will I know I am successful?

Confidence is love is life

My questions have now been answered. No, I did not know it when I arrived at self-confidence and self-love. But yes, we can check our progress toward both.

What it takes to develop self-confidence and self-love is simple: start doing what makes you happy. As I transitioned, I did many things purely because I wanted to do them, and all I do that appears self-confident are acts of self-love.

Every time we do, say, believe, or feel in a way that aligns with our deeply-seated desires and motivations, it is an act of self-confidence. And more: it is an act of self-love.

A practical definition of "self-confidence" is "knowing I am worthy of self-love." And the circular definition of "self-love" is "having the confidence to do what we must for ourselves."

This definition is a major revelation for me. What I thought of only as "things I needed to do" was developing self-love. Doing the things I needed to do proved my self-confidence.

I don't need to wait for an undefined stage in my transition to begin developing self-confidence and self-love. I did it. I developed it. I just didn't realize it because I was too wrapped up thinking I could never have them.

But I am a confident woman. I love myself. I love the confident woman I have become.

Thank you, Morgan, my Sister.