Transgender Ambivalence

Many decades ago, I devoured every small fragment of information I could about my 'condition.' I was a crossdresser in isolation, without any connection. I watched every episode of daytime talk shows that had anyone on it who were remotely like me. And in most cases, the coverage was sensational and bombastic. Women embarrassed by their husbands, men tricked by their 'tranny' girlfriend. I didn't care. I just needed to understand that I was not alone. Eventually, I don't remember how, I learned of a meeting of the local (Chicago) chapter of the crossdressing support group Tri-ess

I drove out to a distant suburban hotel and I couldn't muster the guts to open the car door and walk across the parking lot to the hotel. A large part of my inability to get out of that car was something that still echoes. At that moment, I could not accept myself as my transgender truth, all those years of masculine conditioning; all those years of hearing hate and loathing towards women, took their toll. I couldn't see myself as part of that group. I crossdressed, but I couldn't go there. Eventually I went there and overturned my life.

At the moment I didn't accept myself, but the thread that ran through my life was one of being prosecuted, attacked, and ostracized because I was so feminine. In 5th or 6th grade I memorized football and baseball stats, team standings, player performance, etc. because I learned that was something men/boys were interested in and I could connect with them. It was such a womanly approach to the situation. I still have a very casual interest in sports ball, but I would never consider myself a fan.

I have always tried to fit in, and yet, have always been a loner, had a different sense of connection. I am not a joiner, I am not a Facebook braggart, I don't care what folks think of me. I am picky about the trans folks I associate with these days. Is it so wrong to not want to be seen with others that don't meet my gender ideals? I can accept you, but not want to be seen together? There's a trans someone who lives close by and I would never consider going out with her. She does it all wrong by my standards. I believe being a trans woman alone as a lot less threatening to cis culture than two trans women. Is it wrong to believe that being seen out in the world with a cis woman reinforces my womanhood, while being seen out in the world with another trans woman reinforces my trans-ness?

In my advancing years as a transgender woman out in the world I have been subsumed into the cis gendered culture. I think of it as drowning in the cis gendered sea. I have stepped away from the connections with other trans women. I have cis women friends and I rarely associate with my transgender friends. Part of this pull back is the experiences I had in the first two years of transition. I won't go into particulars here, grinding that axe is for another time. Let it suffice to say that I met a number of less than honorable transgender people. Some who only claimed to be trans to get close to the community.

I only have so much time, energy, and compassion for those who do not deserve it. So, in many ways, I no longer blindly believe that we are sisters because you and I share the label: transgender. Accepting someone being transgender is one thing, associating with folks who are unwell, regardless of their gender identity, is something I cannot overlook. Maybe it all ties back to internalized transphobia. Possibly, it's the natural progression of being seen as a woman in the cisgender world. I no longer crave those connections to the community. It's a whisper and no longer a demand.

It's transgender ambivalence.

Stories from other trans folks on Medium were so important. And now, with many accounts, I skip over them. I will never pretend to be seen as a cis person but I have fundamentally changed and maybe not for good. I am not a perfect person. I still have acceptance work that needs to be done. That elusive Buddha nature is out there.

• I like asking the difficult questions. If I have offended, please accept my apology.